To Serve the People

Submitted for your approval…

A story of the Near Future…in the Constitution-free Zone.

The New Amerikan Gestapo known as the TSA, which is alleged to stand for something promising a little temporary security in exchange for a few remaining God-given Rights, has been getting some bad press lately.  More and more of the Sheeple seem to be waking up to the fact that taking porno shots of children, old folks, and even nubile young women — and rudely groping those who refuse to submit — is nothing but Security Theatre.

Now it seems that the widely-reviled (by the State-Loving Press, anyway) “National Opt-out Day” may not have been as much of a “bust” as the sycophants were gloating.  Obviously, most of those who were not inclined to being treated like cattle simply refused to travel by Government-Run Airlines…and opted instead to either stay home, or go by car…while that option still exists.  Reports reveal that most of the offending Naked Body Scanners were simply turned off during the High-Profile Days…thus avoiding any embarrassment for the Transport Sexual Abusers, and, coincidentally, their victims as well…at least briefly.

But sometimes the Truth comes out anyway.   The following is a bit of extrapolation…based on current trends and a bit of whimsy:

The phone rings  in the office Benjamin deHamas, editor of the Washington Verdad — the nation’s most-respected news source.   “Ben, listen up.  Remember that misguided protest against TSA back when we first started installing the Enhanced Body Scanners, and a few miscreants actually objected to how we were taking care of them?  Well, there are evidently still a few Neanderthals out in fly-over country who don’t trust us, and are actually not doing their Duty!  Well, not voluntarily, anyway.”

“I find that hard to believe, Madam Secretary, but what did you have in mind?”

“We have decided to take a new direction now when it comes to Security.  After all, if we can’t protect people, who can?  We’ve even got a great name for the new Policy…it’s called ‘To Serve the People’, and we’d like your help again in announcing the initial phase-in.”

“Of course…we are always happy to help, as you know.  Catchy title, by the way…it even sounds kinder and gentler.”

The problem seemed to be that even those people who appreciated the New, New Enhanced Screening were starting to grumble about how long it took to get to work, or the store, now that even local mass transit and most interstate highways involved waiting in sometimes long lines for the search.  In order to streamline the process, and to demonstrate the degree of Customer Sensitivity at the TSA, the new process would extend the much-envied “Trusted Traveler ID Program” not just to VIPs, like pilots, bus drivers, Licensed Press, and Members of Congress, but even to NON-government workers!  First would be those who had already applied for Special Hardship Permits, of course…but eventually everyone might be offered the opportunity to “opt out”!

Free trips to the very playground where Officials convened to consult with the Federal Reserve itself would be offered to the first few rounds of selected  applicants.  “Get a background check, a blood test, and a free all-you-can eat trip to Jackson Hole as a reward…just to show the traveling Public that we are REALLY here ‘to serve the public’!”

“Wow, Madam Secretary, that sounds tremendous.  I hear the food there is really something to dream about, too.  Almost makes me wish I could sign up again myself!”

“Don’t worry, Ben.  I’m sure we can arrange a Press visit for you early on as well.  Just help us inform the People about what we have planned.”

After his staff meeting, a reporter who the famous editor knew only as “Mark” stopped him by the door, and asked him if he had seen the New Policy Guidelines.   “No,” he responded. “What does it matter?”

“Because they seem to be classified.  Even the front-line TSA Search Duty proctors haven’t seen ’em.  Doesn’t that seem a bit odd?”

“Aw, come on, Mark,”  deHamas said.  “It’s National Security, for cryin’ out loud.  Of COURSE it’s classified.”

“Sure, Mr. deHamas.  That’s my regular beat, and I know their procedures, but my sources always get me advance copies anyway.  How else can we have the stories ready in advance of the procedures?  But this is different.”

“You’re starting to sound a bit like one of those internet extremists,” he quipped.  “Next thing I know, you’ll be quoting the Bible!”   Mark didn’t find that funny.  “OK, see what you can find on it.  But don’t waste too much time; we’ve got an announcement to put out.”  And that was that, or so he thought.

As both the Secretary and the Pravda editor expected, the new Policy was a big hit…and applications swamped the system.  It didn’t hurt that Jackson Hole had a great reputation as the place where the elite came to enjoy the finest cuisine the nation had to offer, especially since food prices had gotten so high after the collapse of the dollar.

The streamlined “Trusted Traveler Program” turned out to be simplicity itself as well.   A single, almost painless injection took care of not only the insertion of the tiny, tamper-proof, National ID device itself, but simultaneously allowed the ‘wonder-chip’ to transmit DNA information to a nearby reader.  Everything about the signup process was not simply easier, but so much more “customer friendly” than the intrusive, but necessary, “Strip and Bend Over Duty” (or “S-BODY”) that those people who had not yet “Embraced the Change” still had to struggle through, whether it was at airports or public transportation, or at the Roadside Duty Stations.

Ben deHamas, of course, was tapped to cover the first set of non-VIP “Trusted Travelers” allowed to go through the new process, and be given their Internal IDs.  He was literally headed out of the office, briefcase in hand, en route to the VIP Concourse at Obama Global Airport, when Mark stopped him at his door.

“Don’t get on the plane, Mr. deHamas!  I finally got a copy of the New Policy book!  It’s not what you think!”

“Good grief, Mark.  What could be the problem with a program called ‘To Serve the People’?”

He could see the fear in his staffer’s eyes as he answered.

“It’s not a customer service manual,”  he said.  “It’s a cookbook!”


*  Apologies, obviously, and a tip of the hat, to the late Rod Serling and his famous Twilight Zone episode, called “To Serve Man.”

This little cautionary tale is intended as an only somewhat tongue-in-cheek reminder that the “veneer of civilization is very thin”.

And, given that the Constitution has already been “served up on a platter”, what could be that much more shocking?

About mark

Semi-retired electronic engineer, turned author and lecturer; occasional radio talk show host, and motivated Torah/Bible teacher. Also an avid private pilot (Private, ASEL, Inst), radio amateur, scuba diver, and aspiring sailor.
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3 Responses to To Serve the People

  1. Pris says:

    Well done, Mark, you made ME grimace!

    Reminded me of another movie i saw years ago called “Fried Green Tomatoes” where a government agent was served up barbeque style when it was decided that his investigation of the facts was only going to accomplish a grave injustice.

    I approve of your satire, and submit a hearty, “YUCK!” to boot!

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